June 14, 2013

Friday Fight: Dutch Schaefer (Predator) vs. John Matrix (Commando)

Yes today’s fight is Arnie vs. Arnie. Two of his best characters facing off in a true clash of the titans.

Predator and Commando remain classics of the genre, both with huge body counts, awesome weapons and classic action.

But who is the real king of badassery?




Dutch Schaefer

Dutch in Predator is not just pure muscle, he has to use all his mental skills in order to evade an alien predator and to try and take care of his team. He has his work cut out for him as his nemesis is invisible, taking out each team member one by one. Dutch didn’t even want to do this job in the first place but was talked into it by Dillon (that sonofabitch!).

As each member of his unit is dispatched in equally more violent ways Dutch desperately tries to find a way of outsmarting this seemingly invincible enemy.

By the time most of his team are dead, Dutch discovers that the creature uses heat vision to track its prey.

He ends up covering himself in mud and gains the home team advantage.. did I just use a baseball analogy? Oh dear.

Anyway, Dutch and the Predator end up having a battle of wits before having a battle of fists, which Dutch actually loses as the Predator is inhumanly strong… and ugly. Dutch eventually tricks the creature to come for him and drops half a tree on the creature’s head. It then activates a self destruct device destroying half the jungle with it.

Being the utter badass that he is, Dutch survives and is taken away to a palace made of gold where he is fed grapes by lots of hot women… probably.


John Matrix

When someone kidnaps John Matrix’s daughter, that was their first mistake… it’s also their last. In his spare time Matrix likes to walk around carrying trees while throwing his puny daughter around like a rag doll.

When Bennett, a Freddy Mercury lookalike kidnaps her and tries to force Matrix to kill someone to get her back, Matrix decides the best idea is to kill everyone in the entire world… nearly.

He’s the ultimate one man army and decides to bring along one of the most annoying chicks in cinema history played by Rae Dawn Chong. While Matrix is tough and manly, she is yet another puny girlie girl who can’t match his awesome manliness. She screams, bitches and whines up until the end.

Despite the annoying girl Matrix can take out an entire army without even gaining a flesh wound. His name is also Matrix. I don’t know about anyone else but I have never met anyone with a last name of “Matrix”… unless their first name was “The”.

Needless to say Matrix rescues his little girl, wipes out an entire country and impales Bennett with a pipe.



So we’ve got ourselves two of the biggest badasses in the business, one can take out an invisible alien and the other can take out an entire army. You’d have thought the winner would surely be Matrix but during their huge battle Matrix is distracted by the annoying girl, loses his concentration and has his neck broken by Dutch. Congratulations Dutch, see you at the Choppa!

About the Author

Eoin Friel
Eoin Friel

I grew up watching JCVD, Sly and Arnold destroy bad guys, blow things up and spew one-liners like it’s a fashion statement. Action is everything I go to the movies for and the reason I came up with this site is to share my love for the genre with everyone.



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